i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
