I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
