so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
