Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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