My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
