I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
