i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
