just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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