Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize