I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
