just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize