Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
