He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
