Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
