my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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