Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
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