He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
