I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
