Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
