It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
