I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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