Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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