As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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