I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
His hands were made for my vagina.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
