Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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