Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
