How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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