you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize