There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
