I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
