I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
