i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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