I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
