there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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