Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
