My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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