Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
