sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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