I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
you didnt know i had herpes?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
