Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
