from now on my penis is your penis
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
