I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
