I faked an abortion last night.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Randomize
