My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
