I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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