Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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