So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
