You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize