Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
