These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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