She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize