I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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