So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
