Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
