On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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