i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
My hand turned me down
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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