I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
My balls are so social today.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
