she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Couch. On fire.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
