His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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